


Riftless Destiny

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-02-28
Updated: 2003-02-28
Packaged: 2017-11-01 09:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/355193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sillyfic.  Clark and Lex take over the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Riftless Destiny

## Riftless Destiny

by Auntie Diluvian

[]()

* * *

Feedback particularly appreciated as this is my first Smallville fic. United States-centric, and yes, I'm pretty liberal, but I gotta write what I know. Any flames will be used to make creme brulee. Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. 

Riftless Destiny 

So, like, Clark is getting the biggest hug ever from Bo 'Black-Ops' Kent, but he's still checking out the Brave Little Ship o' Doom. The ship, having been programmed by Luthor-El, sends out a Gay Pride beam like the one in the cave, smack into Clark's forehead. 

Bzap! 

Clark is suddenly aware that his biological family was _just_ like Lex's, except of course for the timing of the dyingness. The message Dr. Reeve got was from Clark's loving caring mom, and the stuff inside the ship telling Clark to go rule the hee-yuuumans is from dear old evil dad. Clark takes this as a sign that he and Lex are destined to conquer the Earth together, and realizes that he's been missing out on a bunch of fun that previously only red Kryptonite would let him enjoy. 'Cause, y'know, Luthor-El had a pocketful of the stuff all the time. 

Anyway, Clark is now a Kryptonian sex god, what with his brain being crammed full of language and knowledge and how to dominate the weak and sexually frustrated humans. Which will make Lex very very happy, real soon, in a number of ways. 

Meanwhile, Bo is feeling the love. Okay, what he's actually feeling is weird Kentcest lust. He seems pretty content to do the full body hug/proto-frottage thing and run his fingers through Clark's hair, but he's actually planning to get Clark nekkid and do extremely naughty acts of sexual depravity, which is about the second squickiest thing _ever._ Clark backs out of the hug, stands at arm's length, and... 

Bzap! 

Clark's figured out mind control, and the rainbow flag o' light is shootin' out Clark's eyes into Jonathan's brain. Now, since Bo was already thinking gay thoughts it doesn't have full impact, but Jonathan's devotion and his newfound fascination with how Clark's flannel shirt smells are subverted, and he happily accepts his status as minion. Especially since he figures there's a chance he might be commanded to give Clark a foot rub one day. 

They go into the house where Martha is practicing pursing her lips and Clark subdues her with a flash of sunlight off his blindingly white teeth. Clark now knows for sure that Martha's carrying the ship's baby and doesn't mess with her. Much. And, y'know, she makes really fantastic baked goods, so Clark just burns up all her shoes and chains her to the stove. 

Clark goes off to find Lex, 'cause, like, they're just _made_ for each other, and because the Brave Little Ship o' Wickedness triggered a biological imperative for Clark to get laid, like, right now. He tracks down Lex, who is in the office simultaneously fondling a pool cue, drinking Ty-Nant, and slinking around so people can ogle his ass. 

Bzap! 

Lex's mind is superior to most heee-yuuumans' so the Beam o' Brain Control doesn't do much but let Lex know that Clark is indeed a horny alien with superpowers. On the other hand, Lex is already gay, already wants to do the horizontal lambada with Clark specifically, and the whole Rule the World thing has been in the works for just _years._

The boys get it on, with much slickness, slurping, moaning, groaning, growling, biting, and hands in new places. Bo Minion had tagged along, and he's getting a free show. He's a happy but slightly jealous minion. Lex learns that Clark gives the best blow job on the _planet,_ 'cause, well, duh! 

Clark and Lex finish up their first marathon sex bout and take a shower together, which leads to more slickness etc. Then they figure out a plan to Rule the World. They cross the enormous bedroom to get clothes from Lex's obscenely extensive wardrobe and come out of the closet together. The world is not shocked by this turn of events. 

The world _is_ shocked when CNN broadcasts Lex's speech about how famine destroyed an entire planet into itty bits of dust and meteors, which he argues is a compelling reason to buy Lexcorp fertilizer. Everyone does, including the people who don't even have houseplants, and Lex becomes the richest man in the world virtually overnight. He executes a hostile corporate takeover of Microsoft, just 'cause he _can._

Bill Gates sulks for the rest of his life. 

Clark decides all this U.N. resolution stuff is wussy and all the commotion is taking up airtime that should be Lex's, so he demolishes Pyongyang, Baghdad, and Washington DC. Then he bzaps all the politicians he didn't already smush. Several conservative U.S. citizens die of heart failure when Jesse Helms announces his new status as a low-ranking gay minion. 

Clark makes a giant erector set out of all the weapons of mass destruction on Earth (Lex is distracted when Clark says "erector" and almost forgets to sign the paperwork declaring himself King of North America) and people line up to see it. Unfortunately for the heee-yumans, the structure is smack in the middle of the Sahara, and many of them die from exposure and dehydration. 

Lots of narsty things happen that are very entertaining for Clark and Lex. These events usually include crushing people or corporations like widdle bugs. The rest of the world's population isn't as amused. Even though the people cheer when the oil monopolies become a thing of the past, when Clark and Lex decide McDonalds should serve nothing but fresh organic produce the boys earn the enmity of everyone under the age of 25. That's sort of redeemed when they order the Military/Industrial complex to manufacture nothing but sex toys, but when Lex commands Coca Cola to stop making sodas and distribute nothing but Ty-Nant, that pisses off just about everyone. Except for the minions, who now number several hundred thousand, because, hey, even without getting bzapped, who wouldn't want a chance to be in the same room as the Clex boinkage? Anyway, there's full scale rioting, like, _everywhere_ 'cause people are fighting over the last Big Macs and supersized fries. 

Lionel Luthor finally shows up, but nobody recognizes him what with the new complexion, the big bat wings, and the cloven feet. He's finally identified when Clark and Lex spot his magnificent hairdo (despite the alarmingly big horns obscuring most of it) and the sheer number of teeth showing through his stubble-beard what with the permanent bastardly grin. He proceeds to congratulate the boys on undermining human civilization. 

Lex realizes the horrible horrible things he's done are, well, really horrible, and begs Clark to fight the LuthorBeast. Clark decides it's just not his bag, baby, since Lionel Dearest isn't heee-yuuuman, and the Beast waves g'bye and descends back home through the Hellmouth. 

Clark spends the next several decades chastising Lex for being uppity. Punishment consists of being chained to a huge bed, spread-eagled entirely naked and vulnerable and at the mercy of Clark's rampant Kryptonian sex drive. Well, entirely naked except for alternate Tuesdays, when Lex is allowed to wear an unbuttoned purple dress shirt just for variety. 

Oh, yeah, eventually Martha gives birth to Supergirl. Luthor-El wanted Clark to make an heir when the ship's baby is old enough but Clark just isn't interested, 'cause, besides the squicky Kentcest thing, y'know, he's got _Lex._ What with the gayness and the having of The Sexy, Clark has his hands full. Among other things, depending on the time of day. Supergirl spends most of her time evilly depriving Lana Lang of all makeup and, once she reaches puberty, test driving prototype sex toys. 

Anyway, since CNN is perfectly willing to broadcast Lex's speeches from the bedroom (converting millions more to minionhood, especially on Purple Shirt Tuesdays) and because the whole chained to the bed thing was SOP prior to DevilLionel's appearance, the boys live happily ever after. 

Fin 


End file.
